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we get to be well

It's time to ditch the black-and-white ways of thinking about our health that keep us stuck, sick, or siloed. 

IN OTHER WORDS: Inherited patterns of thinking may have you stuck in a classic hero's journey loop when it comes to addressing symptoms like chronic exhaustion, pain, anxiety, and stress. So, we've got some unlearning to do if we're going to experience well-being on our terms. 

an essay by
Michelle-Marie Gilkeson
first published 04/2024

an essay by Michelle-Marie Gilkeson
first published 05/2024

This essay will help you process the feelings you’ve been having about just how overwhelming it can feel to heal and thrive in our current context. And it will explore the ways your identity, psychology, and physical health intersect and influence your experience of well-being.

what to expect :

who is this essay for?

Those who know they deserve to feel well, but have been underserved by the modern medical system and a "wellness" culture that focuses more on selling the latest trend than personalizing care. For folks who want to determine their own well-being outcomes in community, rather than in isolation. And who believe personal health is bound up with communal and environmental health (or are curious about this idea!).



what is this essay?

Three key paths of inquiry to help us shift from black-and-white thinking to systems thinking so we can create the conditions that best support healing, pleasure, and connection.




Before we proceed, you may be wondering:



an orientation, an invitation

I believe all of us were born curious and creative.

But years of "doing life" and layers of conditioning limit the time we give ourselves over to open-ended inquiry and creative expression.

And though it may seem unrelated, this has everything to do with our health and well-being.

michelle-marie, here!

I'm a women's well-being strategist and facilitator, and the founder of We Get To Be Well. I'm passionate about health justice and confident we don't need to struggle, strive, or deprive in the name of healing. We'll get into it in this essay, but I wanted to pop in and "shake hands" right away. 

hello,

Maybe it seems funny to begin this conversation with a consideration of curiosity and creativity. But I believe their roles are fundamental to well-being.

Our willingness to be curious and creative informs how (and whether) we take in information and what we'll do with that information.

How do we know when something is for us? How do we decide which ideas to integrate that might lead us to acquire supportive tools or adopt habits that make a difference in our lives? By intentionally practicing an ethos of curiosity and creativity.

You might have associations with more formalized representations of creativity. But it doesn't need to look a certain way, like painting a mural or writing a novel.

Leading with creativity and curiosity is the choice to let a little more fluidity, playfulness, and spontaneity into our ways of being (our perspectives, thought patterns, and habits).

Embodying a more playful state is a shortcut to uncovering self-knowledge and tapping into our deepest values and desires. It helps us follow through on our commitments to ourselves and to the people we care about because flexibility is built in.












































Maybe it seems funny to begin this conversation with a consideration of curiosity and creativity. But I believe their roles are fundamental to well-being.

Our willingness to be curious and creative informs how (and whether) we take in information and what we'll do with that information. How do we know when something is for us? How do we decide which ideas to integrate that might lead us to acquire supportive tools or adopt habits that make a difference in our lives? By intentionally practicing an ethos of curiosity and creativity.

You might have associations with more formalized representations of creativity. But it doesn't need to look a certain way, like painting a mural or writing a novel. Leading with creativity and curiosity is the choice to let a little more fluidity, playfulness, and spontaneity into our ways of being (our thought patterns and habits).

Embodying a more playful state is a shortcut to uncovering self-knowledge and tapping into our deepest values and desires. It helps us follow through on our commitments to ourselves and to the people we care about because flexibility is built in. 



These things are so enmeshed, these definitions intertwine and overlap. And that's something we're going to get comfortable with as we continue: the interdependent nature of our lived experiences. And doing so requires less rigidity, and even a little playfulness.

Put simply, a state of play leads to greater happiness and fulfillment. Cognitive science shows us that now, and I think it's something that we've traditionally known in cultures around the world for millennia. It's just the science has caught up, right? It's just that we're remembering.

Curiosity and creativity can shift us out of well-worn thought patterns that keep us locked into the same old state of overwhelm, isolation, and dissatisfaction.

If you're like me or many of my clients, you're no stranger to The Thought Spiral. Here's the thing though: we cannot analyze our way out of the problems that have been with us for a while now, the ones that keep us up at 3 am. 

If thinking, thinking, thinking about the same thing could help us live with more pleasure, connection, and ease, we'd all probably be feeling pretty light and airy right now, right? 

So instead, I believe we need to slip into a more playful, embodied way of "thinking," so we make new connections that can serve our health and our well-being.

I'll touch on this further later on, but don't be surprised if I invite you to "drop into your body" at different points while you're reading. If this is new to you, it's okay if it feels a little silly. Trying something new often does, and we can do it anyway. I invite you to stay curious.

A comprehensive, nuanced assessment of biological, psychological, social, and spiritual satisfaction, as defined by you.

well-being:

Your physical or mental condition. A term used in formalized contexts such as medical institutions. 

health:

A state of playfulness, Leading with your imagination. Generating or recognizing ideas or possibilities. 

creativity:

Meeting situations and ideas from a place of exploration and good-natured inquiry. Living in a state of wonder and possibility.

curiosity:

Let's take a minute to define our terms...

These things are so enmeshed, these definitions intertwine and overlap. And that's something we're going to get comfortable with as we continue: the interdependent nature of aspects of our lived experiences.

Put simply, a state of play leads to greater happiness and fulfillment. Cognitive science shows us that now, and I think it's something that we've traditionally known in cultures around the world for millennia. It's just the science has caught up, right? It's just that we're remembering.

Curiosity and creativity can shift us out of well-worn thought patterns that keep us locked into the same old state of overwhelm, isolation, and dissatisfaction.

If you're like me or many of my clients, you're no stranger to The Thought Spiral. Here's the thing though: we cannot analyze our way out of the problems that have been with us for a while now, the ones that keep us up at 3 am. 

If thinking, thinking, thinking about the same thing could help us live with more pleasure, connection, and ease, we'd all probably be feeling pretty light and airy right now, right? 

So instead, I believe we need to slip into a more playful, embodied way of "thinking," so we make new connections that can serve our health and our well-being.

I'll touch on this further later on, but don't be surprised if I invite you to "drop into your body" at different points while you're reading.

And, if this is new to you, it's okay if it feels a little silly. Trying something new often does, and we can do it anyway.

I invite you to stay curious.

Our 3 Key Paths of Inquiry:

Where did dualistic thinking come from? How does it manifest in our lives? I'll share an overview of the history of dichotomous thinking and examples. Then we'll connect it to...

Black-and-White Thinking

The Classic Hero's Journey

We'll investigate how this ubiquitous narrative centers struggle and is actually dooming our health and well-being. Then I'll invite you to consider...

today we're getting curious about:

Systems Thinking for Well-Being

We'll begin to view well-being in the context of your identity, community, and greater environment. We'll tap into nuance and look for interdependencies as we explore how to generate opportunities for healing and connection.

OK, it's time to circle up...

KEY INQUIRY #1:
How did we get here? (Or: mental rigidity is killing your joy and coming for your health)

first, we need to get some context.

I'm writing this in North America. I live in Southern California, in a college town about 30 miles east of downtown Los Angeles. And in the US, the dominant cultural values center a certain way of being in the world that often fails to consider those of us who fall outside of a specific and limiting intersection of demographic traits.

That's probably not news to you, right? But the thing is, we can intellectually "know" this, but it doesn't stop these harmful values from seeping into our subconscious and influencing our beliefs and actions.

So, I believe we've got some unlearning to do if we're going to experience health and well-being on our terms.

If we're interested in the project of unlearning values that 1) weren't created by us, 2) don't serve us, and 3) don't reflect our vision for our world, we must begin by taking stock of where we are and how we got here.

No matter what brings you to this essay today -- I'm confident that you have a unique story, and that matters -- I'm guessing that if you've spent much time in industrialized cultures, you may have subconsciously internalized the messaging that our value as humans is tied to our output, to our productivity, to our doing.

We know this isn't true. We know we have inherent worth. But that understanding doesn't necessarily stop us from reproducing this idea in our day-to-day choices and thoughts.

Full disclosure: I'm no stranger to The Grind.

My relationship to black-and-white thinking is a little complicated. I was a dancer for 30 years, collaborating to create pieces and choreographing many of my own. And the act of creating a dance requires a certain amount of exploration, vulnerability, and feeling your way in the dark. So, in a way, play has been familiar to me for a long time.

I'm so grateful when I think about it for all the ways that dance pushed me out of my comfort zone to experience different aspects of myself and to connect with my fellow dancers and to the audiences.

But formalized dance training and performance has also bred a culture with a long history of enforcing perfectionism, body shaming, grinding, and pushing bodies beyond their limits in order to achieve an idealized outcome. 

It can feel like the yardstick is always moving. Like there's always something else to optimize.

In other words, it can involve a lot of heroics. And in many ways, dominant dance culture is just an intensification of our wider cultural values that demand thinner, better, faster, stronger, harder. Basically more, more, more.

It reflects an investment in struggle and sacrifice as the main or even the singular way to prove one's seriousness and dedication.

I've got my own history with these values

But formalized dance training and performance has also bred a culture with a long history of enforcing perfectionism, body shaming, grinding, and pushing bodies beyond their limits in order to achieve an idealized outcome. 

It can feel like the yardstick is always moving. Like there's always something else to optimize.

In other words, it can involve a lot of heroics. And in many ways, dominant dance culture is just an intensification of our wider cultural values that demand thinner, better, faster, stronger, harder. Basically more, more, more. It reflects an investment in struggle and sacrifice as the main or even the singular way to prove one's seriousness and dedication.

My relationship to black-and-white thinking is a little complicated. I was a dancer for 30 years, collaborating to create pieces and choreographing many of my own. And the act of creating a dance requires a certain amount of exploration, vulnerability, and feeling your way in the dark. So, in a way, play has been familiar to me for a long time.

I'm so grateful when I think about it for all the ways that dance pushed me out of my comfort zone to experience different aspects of myself and to connect with my fellow dancers and to the audiences.

Me in 2015, launching a man into the air while living with pain on the daily.

via GIPHY

It's not easy to admit that in the past, my default was to go full tilt in certain areas of my life. To take something on and get it done completely, perfectly (preferably the first time).

But, for me, the reality of living with chronic pain meant this all-or-nothing approach eventually led to me withdrawing from the things that mattered in my life, like friendships, professional opportunities, and ultimately dance.

It’s easy to get locked into the “should” of a situation - the way a person “should” act, the way a thing “should” be. But then we lose sight of the way things could be. This pattern limits possibilities for pleasure and connection. And the science tells us mental rigidity actually intensifies our experience of symptoms like pain, exhaustion, anxiety, and burnout.

Mental rigidity often means we've subconsciously decided we're not worthy of happiness until some arbitrary goal is met. And I'm not using the word "arbitrary" to belittle or undermine the goals that we hold for ourselves. I just mean that maybe it's a goal that we didn't consciously choose in the first place. It was sort of decided for us by default.

I don't know about you, but some idea like "I'll be happy when I've mastered a 5am yoga routine" probably means I'm gonna be unhappy for a very long time. I just don't think that particular lifestyle is going to actually happen for me, nor is it desirable, if I consider the bigger picture of my life right now. (But we always reserve the right to reassess, OK?).

I decided deferring well-being to an imaginary "perfect" future is unacceptable. 

It's not easy to admit that in the past, my default was to go full tilt in certain areas of my life. To take something on and get it done completely, perfectly (preferably the first time).

But, for me, the reality of living with chronic pain meant this all-or-nothing approach eventually led to me withdrawing from the things that mattered in my life, like friendships, professional opportunities, and ultimately dance.

I'm not going to share my whole story here, but I wanted to give some insight into my experience because It's relevant to our exploration of what eventually happens when we think in black-and-white terms.

It’s easy to get locked into the “should” of a situation - the way a person “should” act, the way a thing “should” be. But then we lose sight of the way things could be. This pattern limits possibilities for pleasure and connection. And the science tells us mental rigidity actually intensifies our experience of symptoms like pain, exhaustion, anxiety, and burnout.

Mental rigidity often means we've subconsciously decided we're not worthy of happiness until some arbitrary goal is met. And I'm not using the word "arbitrary" to belittle or undermine the goals that we hold for ourselves. I just mean that maybe it's a goal that we didn't consciously choose in the first place. It was sort of decided for us by default.

I don't know about you, but some idea like "I'll be happy when I've mastered a 5am yoga routine" probably means I'm gonna be unhappy for a very long time. I just don't think that's going to actually happen for me if I take a look at the bigger picture of my life right now (I reserve the right to reassess!).

I decided deferring well-being to an imaginary "perfect" future is unacceptable.

It's not like we just plucked this way of being out of the ether to inflict all-or-nothing thinking on ourselves and each other. Thinking in binary terms (a.k.a. this or that) has a long tradition in many cultures worldwide.

oh, and can we please acknowledge?

In our orientation, I mentioned "dominant cultural values." Those things that are so normalized in our societies or communities that we hardly question them because they're practically invisible to us. Upholding a limited set of possibilities is a way of being that both holds up and is held up by various dichotomies. As in, two things positioned as if they exist in clear and simple opposition to one another, or on extreme ends of a spectrum.

FOR EXAMPLE: 

You're either modern or old-fashioned.

You're self-determined or you're a victim.

You're a patriot or you're decidedly unpatriotic

Marketers, political campaigners, and various other culture-makers lean on these oppositional frameworks to influence the thinking and actions of consumers/citizens. Let's look at a few artifacts that use black-and-white thinking in their messaging.

U.S. Examples

Advertisement circa World War I. Message: You buy U.S. bonds or you're not an American patriot.

1937 personal development book. Message: Control your thoughts or live in poverty.

Frigidaire advertisement circa 1960s. Message: get a new Frigidaire or be old-fashioned.

My Favorite Things

Sunshine. Wayfarers kickstarter semiotics, quinoa godard dreamcatcher hexagon pop-up hoodie.

Ice cream. Microdosing gochujang keffiyeh salvia. Hoodie knausgaard art party.

my guilty pleasure

Photos! Hashtag fashion axe palo santo fanny pack, ramps cornhole messenger bag asymmetrical.

It can feel obvious to look at historical examples of how dichotomies reflect the dominant values of the time (ones imbued with sexism, classism, racism, etc.). But it's often more difficult to spot dichotomous thinking and the implied values they set up in our everyday lives.

And the truth is, a lot of the black-and-white thinking we encounter to this day, derives from the same dichotomies industrialized cultures have upheld for centuries. They just get new spins every few decades.

Let's take a closer look...

work


good


nature


man


emotion


body


war

play


evil


culture


woman


intellect


mind


peace

Common and persistent dichotomies that influence our lives

This      That

vs.

Dichotomies often imply there's an inherent value to each of the things positioned as counterparts. And that has real effects on our mental and physical health.

here are some popular phrases that bring DICHOTOMIES into OUR everyDAY LANGUAGE

the this/that formula tends to privilege one way of being over another

"Go big or go home!"

These sound familiar?

Basically another way of saying you've got to go all-in or it's simply not worth doing.

translation:

"If there's a will, there's a way!"

Kind of like saying if there isn't "a way," you must not have wanted it badly enough. If you haven't yet found a "solution," you just didn't have a strong enough will.

translation:

"You complete me."

In other words, without you, I'm incomplete.

translation:

Dichotomous thinking shows up in even more subtle ways, too. 







Never. Perfect. Ruined. Disastrous.

These kinds of words give our days - give our sense of reality - over to dichotomous thinking.

How many of us have said something like, This is the worst day of my life? Or, Well, this day is ruined?

I get it. Sometimes that's how it feels, right? And we're humans. We navigate challenges and change-ups, often daily, or even multiple times a day. But let's take a look at that phrase for a second.

This is the worst day of my life. It's an extreme statement to say the least. And on a neurological level, the language we use directly affects our thoughts. 

I'm not going to go into a big cognitive science spiel right now - as much as I love nerding out on that stuff - but science now shows that our language does affect our beliefs and that, in turn, affects our bodies and our health.
 
When we declare "This is the worst day!" we're ignoring the nuance of our lived experience, right? Because we're reducing ourselves to two-dimensional characters and, in the process, we deny our complexity.

This is how ingrained black-and-white thinking is in our culture.

We say things like, The whole day is ruined, in part because it feels good to just let emotions fly, to express our feelings.

I am all for expression, trust me.

But could it also be because, just as we're a culture that loves thinking in black-and-white, we also love commiserating about how crap everything is? I think if we just spend about 20 seconds scrolling Instagram, we see that's true.

Why is that, though?

(I think it's related to the classic hero's journey narrative, which we'll explore in Key Inquiry #2.)

Perhaps it comes from a sense of wanting to be witnessed by others, but somehow having internalized the belief that our experiences are only worthy of attention if they're "capital P" problems.

We think our problems have to be perceived as grandiose. So we look around and compare our experiences to others in order to judge the "worthiness" of our own stories.

We think, Are they worth mentioning when that other person has it worse? 

So we enter yet another layer of black-and-white thinking because, maybe without even realizing it, we think, If my story is big, it's worth sharing. If it's not, I should just keep it to myself.

Do you see the if this / then that formula there?

This type of thinking sometimes persuades us to subconsciously hyperbolize, to exaggerate our experiences of those things that we'd like to have gone differently in order to make it "rank" as worthy of sharing with others.

The alternative?

Keeping our feelings about our experiences to ourselves, though. To weather the storms alone. To figure it all out on our own.

Self-imposed isolation limits possibilities for connection to others. 

To people who might be going through the same thing, and to people who might really value the opportunity to show up for us if given the chance. 

This is the fallout from reproducing one of the biggest scams of dominant Western culture: The Myth of Individualism. 

ways unconsciously perpetuating toxic cultural myths MIGHT BE keepING us stuck, sick, and siloed

how we COULD be accidentally signaling both selflessness and selfishness AT THE SAME DAMN TIME

HOW EVEN FEMINISTS, ANTI-RACISTS, AND DISABILITY RIGHTS ADVOCATES use harmful language to talk about health...and what that means for us collectively.

which brings us to . . .

In the next part, we'll apply what we've learned about black-and-white thinking to our lived experiences and pursuits of health and "wellness." We'll get curious about:

KEY INQUIRY #2:
How do we recognize a hero's journey loop? (and reclaim our inherent worth)

I'll also introduce you to Dominique and Tanya as we explore ways of shifting away from black-and-white thinking and into a mindset that values context, nuance, and a personalized approach to experiencing health and well-being.